It is not easy to reduce an entire life or recovery to a few paragraphs. However, here are some brief descriptions of stories that I know, about resolve and determination in the face of addiction.
Mary
Mary was emotionally and physically abused by her father throughout her childhood and adolescence. Her father told Mary that she was “the burden in the family”, and her mother did anything to please him, never interfering with his behavior. Mary had nightmares, so her father would give her alcohol as a remedy, and she started drinking when she was 6. When she was 13, Mary was molested by a camp counselor, and she became a regular drinker at that time in her life. Several molestations followed. Mary began cutting. She made a suicide attempt when she was 17. She endured several physically abusive relationships. When I met Mary, she told me that she had panic attacks, and that alcohol was “the only medicine that helped”.
Mary decided to be a nurse “because it was the only way for me to feel important in the world”. Mary brought alcohol in her water bottle to work to soothe her anxiety and panic, and to manage the stress of her high pressure role in the hospital. On the job one day, she had an argument with a secretary, and was escorted to the emergency department where her blood alcohol level was tested. Mary was suspended from work and referred to the confidential wellness program for healthcare professionals in CT. She accepted their referral for detoxification (one week before her honeymoon). She and I met during her 6th week of recovery. She told me “The problem is that I drink because of my trauma, and they want me to tackle the alcoholism first, but if you take away my medicine it’s worse.”
Mary and I carefully crafted our relationship. We took our time as she filled me in on the injustices that she endured and the condition that she was in. We talked about trauma and how we can now take care of it. We talked about a life without alcohol, as much as she could envision it. Mary was as courageous as any person could be when we talked. She told me how horrible it was to be victimized and abused. She told me that she felt like a small and insignificant person among other people. She feared the feelings that would come with no alcohol and trauma. She recalls that sedatives were suggested by previous clinicians as a treatment for her PTSD.
Mary has become an active member of Alcoholics Anonymous. She is now clean and sober for more than three years. We have used EMDR on her trauma and Mary feels that her PTSD is resolved. She no longer experiences the triggered distress and shame that had characterized her emotional life. Her relationship with her mother is healing. Mary is candid, humble, and straightforward. She is happily married and has a one year old son. Her recovery is the guiding force of her life.
Susan
Susan was raised with two sisters and three brothers, the 4th of 6. One of her brothers was killed in a motor vehicle accident when Susan was 16 years old. Another brother has schizophrenia and alcoholism, and her third brother has a developmental disability. Susan’s alcoholic father was a school administrator, so her family maintained a proper image in the community while experiencing the chronic stress of alcoholism in the family, the stress related to her brothers’ challenges, and the weight of grief after her brother’s passing. Susan was a caretaker of her siblings for many years, into adulthood, the custodian of others’ feelings. She became a nurse, garnering the affection of others naturally with her warm and engaging sense of humor, compassion, and intelligence. Susan knew that she had alcoholism when she took her first drink, during her freshman year of college. Her attachment to alcohol developed quickly, and she drank frequently and quietly for many years.
When raising her three daughters, Susan would drink after her husband and children were in bed for the night. In her early 40’s, Susan was was aggressively treated for breast cancer. Around that time, when working in a PACU, she diverted opioids, and was then monitored by her department of public health. I met Susan around this time, welcoming her in group and individual psychotherapy. We worked hard on helping her to understand her vulnerabilities. Asking for help was daunting for Susan, and she struggled to insert that into her skill set. After a period of recovery, Susan was permitted to resume hospital work, eventually returning to the PACU, where, on her first day back, she again diverted opioids. She was terminated from her job. Work on her recovery was burdened by secrecy at home about her addiction. Susan maintained her ‘can do’ and positive vibe against the burden of her disease and hoping to recover. Susan earned her Master’s Degree in nursing and began teaching. She enjoyed the job, naturally engaging younger people and cultivating their enthusiasm for the work that she loved. She diverted opioids while instructing in a clinical placement, and again lost her job. After regaining recovery, Susan and I resumed our work together, doubling down on self care and asking for help as priorities. She returned to the classroom
Susan is clean and sober now for about three years. She has insisted on honesty about her addiction with her daughters, in spite of her husband’s insecurity about her disease. She will now ask for help. She has become able to accept her emotional well being as a theme which requires daily attention. She stays away from opioids. Her shame has been replaced with self respect and she is now united with her emotions. She no longer needs to be a hero. She is a healthy, authentic, and inspiring mother, wife, sister, friend, nurse, and teacher.
David
David began using when he was 13 years old, and his IV heroin habit escalated throughout his adolescence. David met his father when he was 16 years old, having been raised by his mother, who has mental illness, and his grandmother. When David was 17 years old, he was referred into a juvenile detention facility after seeking drug money at gas stations. His father died from alcohol and drug addiction at that time. David received his high school diploma in the detention facility, and entered into recovery from intravenous heroin use when he was 19. He developed a strong attachment to NA, and remained clean through college. He relapsed when he was in his 4th year of medical school. David was referred to an assistance program for physicians at that time, and today he credits professional support programs for helping him to gain a foothold in his recovery.
David moved to CT, and was in opiate withdrawal when he interviewed for his internship at a hospital local to us. When I met David, he had been clean for 5 months, and he told me that recovery felt new to him. He was attending meetings daily and had a sponsor, maintaining close ties to NA in the state that was home for him many miles away, while developing a recovering community locally. Throughout his year of preliminary work in his specialty, David demonstrated himself to be a leader, by virtue of hard work and a deep interest in his interpersonal experience with patients. He valued every interaction, and empathized with the downtrodden. While excelling at the job, David remained calm and focused in the midst of the exhausting workloads and emotional demands of the COVID crisis. He was a natural role model among his peers.
David has returned home to further train in his specialty. He is happily married and remains deeply rooted in NA, developing his spirituality with daily meditation and finding strength in his connections with others. By virtue of his recovery, David hopes to enjoy a life of serenity with his wife, and he continues to nurture his relationship with his mother. David is a man of integrity and remarkable resilience.
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